Tuesday, 21 February 2012

The Angriest Man Alive (Part 1)

I'm prefacing this particular entry with a picture of Isaac Clarke. As the Clarkeinator is the Angriest Man Alive, this should give you a hint of what's to come in this particular entry. Run away now if you don't like excessive swearing and general rage. I think I'm gonna preface every angry article with a picture of Isaac so that people can look at it, see him, and then run away.

Anyway, to get us started on RAGE, driving is the first topic.

I fucking hate driving nowadays. I loved it when I could first drive by myself without needing anyone else in the car, but as I've driven more, I've come to realise one important thing. Every other driver on the road is a cunt, quite frankly. When they're not lane-hopping without indicating, they're going around roundabouts without telling anyone else where they're going at all, or similar stuff. Yes, I am aware that to go straight ahead on a roundabout, you need to not signal, but half the fuckwits I've seen haven't bothered signaling and then wonder why I have to slam on the brakes when they decide that actually no, they're going right and straight across my path. Cunts. If you don't signal, you should be taken out back and have your goolies squeezed in a vise if you're a man. If you're a woman, substitute that for nipples. And after that, you should be forced to go back to driving school and retake your test and prove that you can drive safely, you spaffbadger.

Electronica music, or more specifically, people who say that electronica music isn't creative. This may be coming from a background of philistines or similar telling me that it's not creative, but seriously, pick up a fucking guitar, and strum three chords on it. If you picked the right three chords, bam, you have a Green Day song right there. That's fucking easy to do. Now I dare you to pick up a midi controller, some kind of DAW software, and make your own sounds on that. Hell, for shits and giggles, try and recreate a proper trance saw-wave lead from scratch without using any of the presets. For me, it's a fairly simple thing, but I guarantee you that you will struggle to do such a thing. Now try and recreate the noises in a Celldweller song. Can't do it? Then stop fucking saying that electronica music isn't creative and is easy to do, because to truly create the noises and patches used in it is not easy. So yeah, fuck off.

Rounding off the Angriest Man Alive part 1 post is my iPhone battery, which apparently has the same half-life as Darmstadtium, in that if I use it to play Angry Birds or something, it will decrease by a good twenty percent or more by the time I'm done, which is usually half an hour or so, sometimes less. Seriously, what the fuck? Can they not develop a battery that actually has some staying power. I'm aware of the irony of me telling my best mate that the batteries are shit on smart phones and then complaining about them, but seriously, I got Angry Birds a couple of days ago and it EATS MY GODDAMN BATTERY like it was out in the fucking desert for days and had seen some water and food. FUCKSSAKE ALL I WANT TO DO IS USE MY GODDAMNED PHONE FOR MORE THAN TWO HOURS AT A TIME WITHOUT HAVING TO RECHARGE IT! RAAAAGE!


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